Fajita Salad

Serves 2-4

Simple, easy and delicious! 

*3 sweet bell peppers (red, orange and yellow) remove seeds and slice

*1 yellow onion sliced

*2 cloves crushed garlic

Sauté in a drizzle of olive oil over medium low to medium heat.

Stir in

*2 cups of black beans

*1 teaspoon Chili powder

Serve over a bed of greens, with a corn tortilla and salsa. sprinkle a little grated cheese on top.

Optional, squeeze lime juice on top or use a Chipotle Ranch.

"Chick'n" Noodle Soup

Ingredients

4 cups vegetable broth

2 carrots peeled and chopped

1/2 large onion chopped

3 celery ribs chopped

2 cups of cooked chickpeas

1 teaspoon crushed basil

1 teaspoon crushed oregano

1/4 teaspoon black pepper

1 clove garlic crushed

1 bay leaf

3.5 ounces whole wheat egg noodles

Directions

Combine all ingredients in a 4 quart crock pot for 4-6 hours on high.

Add whole wheat egg noodles for the last 30 minutes.

Remove bay leaf before serving.

Serves 4.

NOTES:

We served this soup with Caesar Salad and warm rolls. It was delicious and reminding me of having dinner at my grandma's house.

I knew this day was coming

Today was THE day.

I got the hospital records today.

I was looking forward to this, but still I was quite nervous to know what they said, too. Our family doctor requested the records for me a few weeks ago and today I picked them up.  She took a few minutes to read over some parts with me.

According to the records our baby (Ella) may have been as old as 30 weeks. . . .wow. . . that was really hard to hear. I'm not sure how that would be possible based on her size, but I suppose if she wasn't growing that could explain why she was so small.  She probably wasn't any younger than 26 weeks.

It was strangely comforting to read the records.  I mentioned in a previous post that even though I held Ella for what I thought was a long time, I wish I had held her so.much.longer.  I was grateful that someone from the hospital took the time to examine her.  I don't know how long an exam like that takes, but it meant a lot to me that someone spent that time with her.  We requested that they not do an autopsy, we felt like her little body had been through enough already.  So they did a Gross Examination - which means they recorded everything they could tell about her just by looking at her, no cutting.

I learned that:
* the two placentas were fused together
* the cords were inserted in different positions, one in the center and one (Ella's) more on the side, I think.
* she had no birth defects
* there were no knots in the either cord
* she was a little swollen and red
* she had all her fingers and toes ( I did hold her long enough to know that myself, I was just glad someone else had documented that)
* she was 15 oz.
* she was 12 and 3/4"
* her skin was very, very delicate, wrinkled

There are more things I learned. I wrote them out but deleted them. Ultimately I felt they were too personal to share.

It's funny, but it made me feel better to know that she had no birth defects, and had all her fingers and toes.

Also, I know that what I saw, and what the pictures show isn't who she really is.

When I close my eyes and imagine what she looks like, I see a happy little girl about three or four years old with curly blonde hair, fair skin, blue eyes, and a big smile on face with a handful of freckles sprinkled across her nose. She's spinning around in a little dress and it's like my brain is using that camera setting that makes all the edges blurry. . .  do you know what  I'm talking about?  That is how I picture her in my head; little, happy and beautiful.

The Angel Garden

While I was recovering in the hospital Ryan and my dad went to visit a local cemetery to see about burial arrangements for Ella.

Ryan wrote this post about his experience:

When we found out what happened with Ella our Bishop made some calls to funeral homes in the area, and he found one that told him that they had an area designated as the “Angel Garden” and that the total cost would be about $500. Traci’s dad and I made an appointment to go visit with them. We planned to stop in, chat with someone briefly, then see the Angel Garden and finalize everything. In my mind I pictured a nice, serene place, perhaps in the middle of the cemetery or along a tree-lined area, with a white fence around it and a beautiful sign that said “Angel Garden” with perhaps a statue and a few stone benches for parents to sit on as they visit the gravesite.

 We met with the funeral home director and she had obviously been trained to talk really slowly and try really hard to be empathetic, because she would talk so slow and say things such as “Oh…I am…sooooo…sorry for your loss…” and “This must be….so…difficult….I am soooo……..sorrry….for your loss.” She proceeded to, slowly, go through some pricing, and it turned out the $500 was only part of the fee. At one point she excused herself and said someone else would be in, and it was the cemetery director. She had additional costs, such as a tombstone and some other fees. In the end it was going to be about $1500 and we had spent over 90 minutes there. I asked a few times if we could see the area, and she would say “we can do that at the end.” Finally when we were almost done I said “I would really like to see the area – can we do that now” and she reluctantly said we could. 

We walked out together on the main road within the cemetery that runs parallel Business Loop (the interstate) and after we walked about half a block she said “This is it.” I looked around and said “Where?” She pointed to a small area on the right side of the road we were on, to a grassy area next to the Business Loop. 

I looked at it and it was full of junky, broken toys and had some weeds in it.

 She said that it is a difficult area to maintain, because they don’t feel that they should ever move the toys, so the caretakers just have to weed whack around them. 

I asked if they ever cleaned up the toys once they get broken and she said no. 

I asked where Ella would be buried, and she pointed to a spot that had some toys on it. I asked why there were toys there, and she said that families aren’t required to get a headstone in that area, so there are a few unmarked graves, and one of the moms was certain that her child was buried there, even though the cemetery showed her that her child was in a different spot. 

The Business Loop is busy and I asked about that – she said they put up a temporary wall during services. Not too far from the area are bars and tattoo parlors, along with grocery stores, car lots, etc.

 I walked away from the whole experience feeling sick – the whole thing just felt wrong. Traci’s dad and I talked about it quite a bit as we went throughout the day. He felt the same way I did. I discussed it with Traci and the thought of putting Ella there did not feel right at all.

This is Traci now:

It was a very hard decision.  We had concerns about burying Ella there. 
* What if we ever move out of the area? 
* Would we feel comfortable going to that part of town to visit her grave? 
* It would be heartbreaking to leave her there in an area of the cemetery that doesn't seem to be maintained.
* It just seemed so wrong to bury this innocent little child across the street from a Singles Bar.  
* Wouldn't we be sad to see other people's broken toys strewn all over the area? (YES!!)
* What about the traffic?
* What about the weeds?




What we wanted was a 

peaceful, 

quiet, 

beautiful place 

of dignity for our baby  to rest.



This was not it.




We could not leave her there, but we had to do something.  

But what choices are there?


We talked about creating a memorial for her in our yard, about making our own beautiful Angel Garden.  Maybe a child's sized bench with a plaque? Maybe a little statue of an angel or a fairy.  What about a special bush or tree?  What about a swing-set as a memorial? What about a balloon launch?  We liked all of these ideas.  

We had this vision of a beautiful, peaceful, happy place, like what Heaven would look like for a child.


And we also have something else that is a great comfort (in addition to Emma).  We were given a very special gift from the hospital.  They provided us with a beautiful, lavender,  rice paper box with keepsakes for Ella.

We had the sweetest nurse I've ever met. 

She so sweetly bathed our Ella, carefully dressed her in her itty-bitty clothes, and took some very special pictures of her.  

She put Ella's tiny clothes, 

her little hats,

her seashells, 

a bracelet, 

and photos 

in the box for us.  




* This we COULD take with us. 
* This was beautiful.
* This was dignified.
* This was clean.
* This was personal.

After thoughtful conversations with my husband, he and I decided to have the hospital help us take care of Ella's body. 

And now we don't have Ella, but we have the box.

I am so glad we have that box.  It sits on a shelf in my closet. I know right where it is.  We have that and it is so much more dignified than a weedy plot next to the Interstate.

Maternity Photos and More

Sometimes I miss being pregnant. 

You might think my next sentence might be something about how I don't miss the indigestion or my CrAZy swollen ankles or the other very uncomfortable discomforts of pregnancy. 

But . . . 

. . .  I sort of do miss those things because it meant that Ella was there.

About a week before our babies came, my friend asked if she could take some pictures of my kids. Photography is one of her hobbies and I was happy to help her practice. =)

She told me she usually likes to do maternity photos around 37 weeks, but she said since we were all there we could take some anyway. If you've been reading my blog you already know that I didn't make it to 37 weeks. 

I've never done maternity photos before, but I am so.glad.we.did.

I love seeing how happy I looked that day.  

Here are some of my favorites:

He still absolutely LOVES those babies!  BOTH of them.  (But that's a post for another day.)

Here are some of my other favorite photos she took that day:

I SUPER love the red barn in the background and of course I lubby those girls in the picture.  =)

Sammy.

(What else can I say?)

Pure joy!

How could I not post Abby's beautiful face? So beautiful!

I love what the wind is doing to Eliza's hair.

And just so you can see how swollen my ankles actually were, I am very bravely including this one:

This isn't actually my ankles, I just stumbled across it when I was looking for the one with my ankles, but I just really like this one.  (If you don't know my family, this is me with all my sisters and my poppy at Eliza's baptism in March. That's a pretty happy papa!)

I have some great photos with my mom and my sisters, too.  But I'll have to get mom's permission before I post those.  =)  I've heard it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission. I'll have to mull it over.

And for the grand finale.  Drum roll please. . . . . . .

Here are the swollen ankles I told you about, those wrinkles aren't usually there and I was totally SHOVING my feet into my shoes. This photo is also from Eliza's baptism in March. (I should do a post about that.) I am 30 weeks pregnant in the photo.

*Disclaimer, we don't usually put Sammy in SANDALS with socks for formal family photos!!  Yikes! I don't think we remembered to bring his Sunday shoes with us.  Oops! Also not sure what he is doing with his face, but he makes me laugh.  =)

Have a WONDERFUL DAY!

What do we tell our other kids?

We didn't know how to do this.  There is no instruction book that I am aware of.

How do you tell your kids that their baby died?

I still don't know how we did that, but we did.

After we had spent a night at the hospital Ryan went home and picked the kids up at a friends house.

Our plan was to tell them about Baby Ella first and then take them to see Emma.

We brought them all into my hospital room and closed the door.

We weren't sure what words to say. But it was really important to us to not hide anything from them.  We decided to be completely honest about what had happened.  It was only a little tempting to maybe not tell them about the twin that had died to protect them from the hurt, but this was their sister, too.  We thought we would want to know so even though our kids are young we felt we owed them the same respect.

We both felt that they probably didn't need to see her or hold her, we felt this was the right choice for us.  I had been visited by Social Workers who were kind enough to listen to my story and were supportive as we made decisions pertaining to Ella.

I don't remember who told them or the exact words we used, but I think the conversation went something like...

"Do you know what a twin is?"

Eliza says "Yes."

We hesitate a little, unsure of how to tell them, but we say, "Emma had a twin.  There were two babies. But the second baby died. She died in mommy's tummy a little while ago. You have two new sisters, but one is already in heaven. Would you like to see some pictures of her?"

"Yes."

We showed them the photos.  Her hands. Her feet. Her face.

She was in a sweet little blue dress that someone had lovingly hand smocked.  There was a tiny white hat on her itty-bitty head.  Her skin was red, wrinkly and very delicate.

Our three year old said he was a little scared to look at the pictures.  She was red and he told us he had never seen a person who was red before. He told us she looked like a bear.

We told them they didn't have to look at the pictures but if they ever wanted to we would always be happy to show them.

We asked them if they had any questions.

They didn't.

We asked them how this made them feel.

"Sad."

We told them her name was Ella.

They were so brave, they didn't even know how brave they were.  To this day I haven't seen them cry.

We thought it would be comforting to see Emma after we told them about Ella, so then we took them to the Intensive Care to see her.

Sammy having his temperature taken

First photo.

(It was hard to know what to write for a caption under this photo, I thought do I put "First picture with all our kids?"  because it is, but it isn't.  I just chose "first photo.")

They are so in love with their little sisters!

Grace and Meeting Ella

My midwife leaves now and I'm left alone with our little girl that didn't make it.  I'm holding her and trying to process everything. 

Now that  I'm alone I take a minute to call my mom, I'm still shaking from the delivery.  I wasn't sure how to tell her.  I reached my dad first and just told him that we had a girl, of course he is excited, but I don't mention the twin yet because I need to talk to my mom about it first, it's a mother daughter thing and I don't think I can say what I need to say more than one time.

I finally get her on the phone and tell her we had a girl. I tell her that the baby is doing great, and Ryan is with her. I'm still shaking and worn out so I try to say only what I need to say, "There is something else I need to tell you (I pause. . . what do I say now?) there was a twin."

Gasp.

I tell her that the second baby is a girl and that she had passed away several weeks ago.

I think she asked if the baby was stillborn, I think I said no - because I didn't know how you define it, but I learn later that when a baby dies after 20 weeks they are considered stillborn.  Death before 20 weeks is considered a miscarriage - at least according to what I read. Officially, the hospital told us later Ella would have been between 26 and 30 weeks.

She tells me they will be getting in the car very soon to start their drive.  I can't remember if we said anything else.

But I do remember that I asked her to please tell everyone else in the family for me, I just couldn't do that right then.  

We say good-bye.

Being alone with this baby was unlike anything I had ever done before.  I'm an adult, but I think I've only been to around 7 funerals in my whole life.  I have not been around death.  I had no idea how this was supposed to work.  I held her for what I thought was a long time, but looking back I wish so much that I had held her infinitely longer. I touched her face and held her close. She was so tiny. Her skin so delicate. I remember I used my ring finger to touch her cheek. I had never seen a person this small.  She looked red and so helpless, but that simply wasn't true.  I will always consider what she did for her sister noble and great, not something a helpless person would do.  

Strangely, I felt at peace.

I have lots of questions.

First Question:

Do we name this baby?
Do we not?

I wasn't sure.  We hadn't really talked about girl names, because:

1. We kind of thought we were having a boy &

2. We weren't due for another 5 and 1/2 weeks, so we thought we had plenty of time to come up with a good name.

Ryan and I have this really bad habit of choosing names that are always on the TOP TEN list for that year. We don't mean to, we just happen to like those names. We'll pick out a name we like and THEN check the list and yep, it will be on there.

For the past few weeks, I had been day dreaming of holding a little "Baby Emma" in my arms.  Yes, I even did that thing where you close your eyes and pretend you are holding a baby.  Did I already mention I really wanted a girl? Ryan had mentioned once using my middle name for a baby girl. . it's Rae.  I liked that idea before the babies came but now, Rae didn't seem to fit.

Ultimately, I felt I really would like to give a name to the second baby and I thought Ella would be a nice name and would go well with Emma.  Ryan and I usually like to choose Biblical names for our kids.  One name we had discussed was Miriam.  So at this point, using the conversations I had had with Ryan as a reference and our new need to name twins, I had come up with the names Emma Rae and Ella Miriam for the babies. But of course I wanted to talk to Ryan about it.

When I couldn't stand it anymore, I asked my nurse if she would please find my husband and tell him I would like to see him.  I want to know how the baby is doing.

It isn't long before he gets there.  He tells me about the baby. She has the usual wires on her chest to monitor her breathing and heart rate. She's on antibiotics because they are afraid she may have developed an infection from being around the other baby - an infection is now their biggest concern.  She's also on probiotics to help counter the negative affects of the antibiotics. Now that she is here, I know she is going to be fine, mother's intuition, and I feel like they are over doing it a little . . or a lot, but that's just me.  Remember me?  I'm the girl that wanted a home birth.

Emma 5/3/2012

Emma 5/3/2012

Ryan holding Emma in the NICU

Ryan and Emma

He tells me that the two different nurses had called our baby Grace or Gracie.  Grace - what a perfect name for this baby, especially considering the circumstances of her birth.  I tell him about the names I had been thinking of and we decided on Emma Grace and Ella Miriam. It felt right.

Emma means whole, complete. Grace of course refers to the grace of God.  I love her name.  Because of the Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome usually one baby is "better fed" than the other. Emma was so filled out for a 5 pound 34 weeks old baby - it was evident she had been well fed. Ella was so small, but her sacrifice made her sister strong.  So although Emma is without her twin, she is whole because of her.

My sister calls me later on and asks me how we choose Ella's name. I told her basically what I wrote above, she says, "Do you know what her name means?"  I didn't know what Ella meant, but I had a vague idea about Miriam.  She tells me all of the meanings for Ella, "all light, beautiful fairy, one from heaven" and Miriam means "from the sea of bitterness."

Ella Miriam
It was perfect and I love it.

Next Question:

What do we tell our kids?