Grace and Meeting Ella

My midwife leaves now and I'm left alone with our little girl that didn't make it.  I'm holding her and trying to process everything. 

Now that  I'm alone I take a minute to call my mom, I'm still shaking from the delivery.  I wasn't sure how to tell her.  I reached my dad first and just told him that we had a girl, of course he is excited, but I don't mention the twin yet because I need to talk to my mom about it first, it's a mother daughter thing and I don't think I can say what I need to say more than one time.

I finally get her on the phone and tell her we had a girl. I tell her that the baby is doing great, and Ryan is with her. I'm still shaking and worn out so I try to say only what I need to say, "There is something else I need to tell you (I pause. . . what do I say now?) there was a twin."

Gasp.

I tell her that the second baby is a girl and that she had passed away several weeks ago.

I think she asked if the baby was stillborn, I think I said no - because I didn't know how you define it, but I learn later that when a baby dies after 20 weeks they are considered stillborn.  Death before 20 weeks is considered a miscarriage - at least according to what I read. Officially, the hospital told us later Ella would have been between 26 and 30 weeks.

She tells me they will be getting in the car very soon to start their drive.  I can't remember if we said anything else.

But I do remember that I asked her to please tell everyone else in the family for me, I just couldn't do that right then.  

We say good-bye.

Being alone with this baby was unlike anything I had ever done before.  I'm an adult, but I think I've only been to around 7 funerals in my whole life.  I have not been around death.  I had no idea how this was supposed to work.  I held her for what I thought was a long time, but looking back I wish so much that I had held her infinitely longer. I touched her face and held her close. She was so tiny. Her skin so delicate. I remember I used my ring finger to touch her cheek. I had never seen a person this small.  She looked red and so helpless, but that simply wasn't true.  I will always consider what she did for her sister noble and great, not something a helpless person would do.  

Strangely, I felt at peace.

I have lots of questions.

First Question:

Do we name this baby?
Do we not?

I wasn't sure.  We hadn't really talked about girl names, because:

1. We kind of thought we were having a boy &

2. We weren't due for another 5 and 1/2 weeks, so we thought we had plenty of time to come up with a good name.

Ryan and I have this really bad habit of choosing names that are always on the TOP TEN list for that year. We don't mean to, we just happen to like those names. We'll pick out a name we like and THEN check the list and yep, it will be on there.

For the past few weeks, I had been day dreaming of holding a little "Baby Emma" in my arms.  Yes, I even did that thing where you close your eyes and pretend you are holding a baby.  Did I already mention I really wanted a girl? Ryan had mentioned once using my middle name for a baby girl. . it's Rae.  I liked that idea before the babies came but now, Rae didn't seem to fit.

Ultimately, I felt I really would like to give a name to the second baby and I thought Ella would be a nice name and would go well with Emma.  Ryan and I usually like to choose Biblical names for our kids.  One name we had discussed was Miriam.  So at this point, using the conversations I had had with Ryan as a reference and our new need to name twins, I had come up with the names Emma Rae and Ella Miriam for the babies. But of course I wanted to talk to Ryan about it.

When I couldn't stand it anymore, I asked my nurse if she would please find my husband and tell him I would like to see him.  I want to know how the baby is doing.

It isn't long before he gets there.  He tells me about the baby. She has the usual wires on her chest to monitor her breathing and heart rate. She's on antibiotics because they are afraid she may have developed an infection from being around the other baby - an infection is now their biggest concern.  She's also on probiotics to help counter the negative affects of the antibiotics. Now that she is here, I know she is going to be fine, mother's intuition, and I feel like they are over doing it a little . . or a lot, but that's just me.  Remember me?  I'm the girl that wanted a home birth.

Emma 5/3/2012

Emma 5/3/2012

Ryan holding Emma in the NICU

Ryan and Emma

He tells me that the two different nurses had called our baby Grace or Gracie.  Grace - what a perfect name for this baby, especially considering the circumstances of her birth.  I tell him about the names I had been thinking of and we decided on Emma Grace and Ella Miriam. It felt right.

Emma means whole, complete. Grace of course refers to the grace of God.  I love her name.  Because of the Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome usually one baby is "better fed" than the other. Emma was so filled out for a 5 pound 34 weeks old baby - it was evident she had been well fed. Ella was so small, but her sacrifice made her sister strong.  So although Emma is without her twin, she is whole because of her.

My sister calls me later on and asks me how we choose Ella's name. I told her basically what I wrote above, she says, "Do you know what her name means?"  I didn't know what Ella meant, but I had a vague idea about Miriam.  She tells me all of the meanings for Ella, "all light, beautiful fairy, one from heaven" and Miriam means "from the sea of bitterness."

Ella Miriam
It was perfect and I love it.

Next Question:

What do we tell our kids?