Maybe it was a mistake

So I've been avoiding trying to figure out exactly when Ella died. But today as I was sitting at my desk using my calendar and planning things for our family to do this fall, I decided to count back from when our babies were born (34 1/2 weeks) to when the Medical Records say that Ella died, sometime between 26-30 weeks.

Maybe it was a mistake to try to figure it out, but I think deep down I knew that one day I would want to know.

So according to my calendar 26-30 weeks would have been anytime in March.

March.

I'm guessing early in the month.

What was I doing then?  I've sort of blocked it out.  I was busy.  I taught a Children's Choir Class that month AND held a concert.  I also taught a workshop about sprouting - I was on my feet for 2 plus hours and my feet we sooo swollen the entire time - I sat down anytime I had a chance. I taught a few voice lessons, Ryan redid our closet, and we attended three Child Birth Classes on Saturday mornings.

Looking over my calendar I remembered that right around week 20 I felt both babies move, even though I didn't know there were two.  I was working on a song on my laptop and I had the computer play it back for me so I could listen to what I had done.  The whole time the music played it was like a little circus was performing in my tummy.  The babies were so squirmy and it was obvious they were responding the to music because they hadn't been active until I turned it on.  I love this memory.

Around week 20 I wore a maternity dress to church for the first time!  This was the first clue most people had that I was pregnant!  At 20 weeks!  I had a tummy, it just wasn't a big tummy then. It's so hard to believe I was expecting twins and and at 20 weeks people were just starting to figure out I was pregnant.  This baby was hidden!

It sometimes is harder as time goes by because she seems more gone.  I've heard it's normal for people to be afraid that they will forgot the person they lost, I feel that way. I am afraid that one day I'll just forget it happened and forget that she was there.  I don't want that to happen.

Yesterday Sammy was praying that "Emma and Ella would be healthy" He loves his little sisters so much! I thought his prayer was so sweet, and I wouldn't dream of correcting him.  I'm glad he prays for Ella. He says that when he dies he'll take his toys with him so Ella can play with them. Such a sweet boy.  I miss our baby - having said that, I have so much to  be grateful for and I am not complaining, I am very blessed, and somehow I am very happy, too - if you can believe that - it's true. But I do feel like something is missing, my husband said he does, too. I miss that baby - but I worry more about how are kids are handling it.  So far I think they are doing great.

Sammy with Emma 8/16/12

Anyway, long, random post.

I'm actually grateful I looked, so not a mistake after all . . . it makes Ella seem more real.  I love her so much!

Now back to planning our Fall activities.