. . . It all made sense.
When this realization hit, I was in the room with just our midwife, who was now a dear friend, and holding our little girl that we wouldn't get to keep. I wanted to tell my midwife why I felt this made sense and share with her what I knew.
I told her that for months while I was struggling through this pregnancy I asked my husband numerous times to give me a Priesthood Blessing. I explained to her that in our religion we believe that worthy men are given a power to speak for God. And that when they give a blessing, a special prayer for someone, they are given ideas that Heavenly Father wants them to share.
The blessings were always the same, talking about The Plan of Salvation and trusting in the Lord. The blessings also told us that this was a very special baby.
I was confused and worried that something scary would happen either to me or to our baby. Thus the many months of anxiety. How do you go on living a happy and peaceful life when you think you or your baby may die?
I wasn't prepared to leave my family. This thought absolutely terrified me and that filled me with guilt. And I didn't think I could handle losing a baby, I couldn't imagine the ache and didn't want to consider either possibility so I would push them to the back of my mind.
The blessings never once said anything like "Everything would be OK" which was what I wanted them to say, and later found out that that was exactly what Ryan wanted to say, but that wasn't what Ryan felt like he was supposed to tell me.
Later, after we had a moment to talk about everything that happened, Ryan told me this story:
When I was a freshman in college I had
just recently received the Melchizedek Priesthood and had never given a
blessing before. Sometime that first semester some girls who lived on the floor
below us asked if I could give one of their roommates a blessing because she
was really stressed. I quickly looked up the procedures, then went down to give
her a blessing. During the blessing I got the distinct prompting to NOT bless
her to do well in school, but I ignored the prompting because I thought “of
course she needs to be blessed to do well in school – that is part of what is
stressing her out.” I proceeded to bless her to do well in school then finished
up the blessing. Later that day one of her roommates came up and asked why I
blessed her to do well in school. I said that I felt she needed that, and her
roommate told me that she had just dropped out of school and was having a hard
time with her testimony, and was upset that the blessing included that. She
didn’t understand how a blessing, if it really came from God, would include
that. I learned an important lesson that day – to listen to promptings. I have
always tried, since that day, to really listen to the Spirit as I give
blessings.
When Traci would ask for blessings
during the pregnancy I wanted to say, more than anything, that everything was
going to be fine with the baby. I never could though, because I didn’t feel
that I was supposed to. The blessings all had a familiar theme – Trust in the
Lord and in His plan and timing.
Oh. I thought after I heard that.
I gained a new respect for my husband and for his courage to say only exactly what he felt he was supposed to say.
And I know that God knows us, knows who we are and what our struggles are and I am so grateful for the way he prepared my husband and I to face the loss of our baby. And I am so grateful that I have a baby to hold in my arms to bring me comfort and so much happiness Every.Single.Day.
It's hard to explain, but I am really happy, we all are. One of the gifts from Ella was an increased appreciation for each one of our children - and for each other. I think that's how I can feel sadness for our loss, but so much joy at the same time.
We are so blessed.
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| March 2012 |
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| Nauvoo, Il. August 2012 |
And we are so happy!
To learn more about the Plan of Salvation click here.
Beautiful story, Traci. And beautiful family!
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