What I really wanted was for everyone to slow down and give us some privacy. What I really wanted was for a moment alone with Ryan and both babies. What I really wanted was the chance to hold both babies at the same time. What I really wanted was an explanation, but no one offered one. What I really wanted was for someone, no LOTS of someones to tell me that this was not my fault. No one said it was my fault, but no one really said it wasn't either.
But the Intensive Care team won't wait. I very reluctantly hand them our first baby and make Ryan go with them. I don't want her out of his sight.
The room clears and I'm left alone with a nurse and my midwife. The nurse brings over the second baby and although she was rather brusque before the delivery, when I didn't want any pitocin, etc., now she is more humane. She brings the second baby to me, the one that didn't make it. This baby is much smaller.
"I think this baby was about 22 weeks, based on the baby's weight and length. At first I thought this baby was a boy, but when I looked closer, it was evident it was a girl."
Wow. Two babies. Two girls. One here and one, not. We thought we were having a boy. This was my hardest pregnancy, but it was similar to my pregnancy with my boy, so logically we thought we were having a boy.
And then, I realize everything makes sense. . .
But the Intensive Care team won't wait. I very reluctantly hand them our first baby and make Ryan go with them. I don't want her out of his sight.
The room clears and I'm left alone with a nurse and my midwife. The nurse brings over the second baby and although she was rather brusque before the delivery, when I didn't want any pitocin, etc., now she is more humane. She brings the second baby to me, the one that didn't make it. This baby is much smaller.
"I think this baby was about 22 weeks, based on the baby's weight and length. At first I thought this baby was a boy, but when I looked closer, it was evident it was a girl."
Wow. Two babies. Two girls. One here and one, not. We thought we were having a boy. This was my hardest pregnancy, but it was similar to my pregnancy with my boy, so logically we thought we were having a boy.
And then, I realize everything makes sense. . .
It isn't your fault. If the list hasn't been started, then put me at the top of the "someone's" that quickly, loudly, and passionately say "It is NOT your fault"... God knows... He knows what is best... even if we don't like His decision, we put our faith in knowing He has a plan.
ReplyDeleteWow Traci - what an ordeal! I am so sorry you had to go through that. That is a lot to process! I hope you are all doing well.
ReplyDeleteTraci, I had no idea that you had gone through this. How scary and illogical and hard to understand. Even though my situation is different, it has it's similarities. When I had Jordan at 26 weeks, it was so hard for me to not have my baby with me in my room. I didn't even get to see him until the day after he was born. In the days after his birth, I would lay in my hospital bed and pray and ask why my baby had to be born early and why I couldn't hold him. It's hard to put into words how I felt. I felt robbed. I felt like every other mom had their baby(ies) and got to take them home with them when they went home. Why couldn't that have been me? (He ultimately spent 5 months in NICU before coming home). My arms ached for my baby. Your story reminds me of how, when dealing with doctors and nurses, there isn't much explaining. And there are so many questions. Of course this was not your fault Traci. Heavenly Father has a plan for everyone. Your baby is very special and only needed a short time here. You are blessed to have been able to give that daughter of God a body. You are so amazing and strong that Heavenly Father knew you could handle this. My heart aches for you and your loss. I am praying for you and your family. If there is anything you need, please don't hesitate to ask.
ReplyDelete