The Support Group

Today I went to a Family Support Group.  I wanted to see what it was like.  And to be honest, I felt a little out of place.  Everyone was sharing their story about losing a child and I shared my story, too, but I didn't really feel like I fit in.  I feel like my situation is different. Not to minimize what happened to us, but I think what those families went through was a lot harder than what I experienced. Maybe there is a different group out there that I can relate too better.

So, we sat around tables in the shape of a square.  There were a variety of people there.  A few had lost young babies 3-4 months old, one had lost a 2 1/2 year old and another had lost their 17 year old just one month earlier.  Then there was me - the baby we lost was a surprise. It's a different situation.

I don't really think I'll be going back.

I totally yelled at the Doctor

I don't think I'm much of a "yeller"  . . how many of  you have heard me yell?  (It doesn't count if we're related.)

I had LOTS of reasons for not wanting to cut the baby's cord right away.  I had fully intended to NOT have the cord cut for somewhere around 10 minutes to . .. however long I felt like it.

(Here is just one article about waiting to cut the cord: Wait to cut Umbilical Cord  - I'm not here to convince anyone to wait, but that's what I wanted to do.)

I had told our new Doctor that earlier that day and he was fine with it, after talking to him I felt like I could manage to have a somewhat peaceful delivery - pretty opposite of what actually happened.

So the when my Doctor wasn't there when it was time to catch the baby, another OB stepped in and I do appreciate that. I don't blame him for what happened, but I was still ticked!

So he comes in, catches the baby, says "it's a girl!" and IMMEDIATELY CUTS THE CORD!! Didn't even ask, and I realize that most people don't mind and I'm sure he did it out of habit, but I DID mind. There was no handing me the baby so I could nurse her right away, there was no letting me see her first, just CUT!  I was so MAD!

When I realized he had cut the cord I said or perhaps more likely I yelled, "You cut the cord?  Why did you do that!!?"

He said something like, "She was cold, I had to get her to the warmer."

I was so mad!  I know I already said that.  Then I say  in a very loud voice, "WELL YOU COULD JUST PUT A BLANKET ON  HER!" or even better put right on my stomach so I could nurse her, but I didn't think to say that.  So that was the most coherent thing I could come up with right then, remember, I didn't have any pain medication (my choice) so I was a little/a lot on edge right then.  Then trying to regain my composure and smooth things over I tell him, still probably loudly, "I am not mad at you, but I REALLY did not want you to do that!"

Then he introduces himself. . . I don't remember his name.

Temples

I saw this on Facebook today from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints:

The temples in Kansas City and St. Louis have blessed thousands of members in Missouri and surrounding states. How have these temples blessed you?

I felt like I was directly being asked that question.  Because this has been on my mind lately.

How have these temples blessed me?

Well, for starters, we visit the St. Louis Temple whenever we get a chance.  It's a home away from home.  I remember a particular visit when I was so stressed with something . . . OK I'll tell you what it was.

When Sammy was about 17 months (March 2010) we had found a lump in his leg and we were freaked out! I thought he had cancer - but he acted so healthy, it just didn't make sense.  The short version is this, we saw a handful of Doctors until we found the right one who helped us by referring us to kindest radiologist. We had an ultrasound test done on his bump and it didn't look like cancer, WHEW!  What a relief, but we didn't know what it was so he sent us on our way. 

We were about 10 steps from our car when this amazing, kind man ran out of the radiology building to stop us.  He said, come back inside lets see if his lymph nodes are swollen, too.  So we did and they were. Which meant Sammy had probably been bitten by something (a spider?) and his body was just fighting it off.  The bump (the site of the bite) is still there but the swelling in the lymph nodes is gone - it took 6 months plus for the swelling to go down, which is normal by the way.  He will probably always have the original bump, scar tissue.

 When this was going on we visited the St. Louis Temple and when I was there I felt the weight of the world being lifted from me.  I just sat and allowed myself to absorb the peace that surrounded me. I needed that. I feel peaceful just remembering that.

But more recently my thoughts have been turned to the Kansas City Temple.

Two weeks before our babies were born (it's nice to say "babies" by the way, I haven't really done that a lot - I'm still unsure how I'll handle that), anyway, about two weeks before the babies came we had the amazing opportunity to tour the Kansas City Temple.  

Temples are important to our family. They are a reminder that if we are worthy, our family will be reunited after we die.

When we took this picture of our little family in front of the Kansas City Temple, I had no idea at the time how special this photograph would be to me.  I wish now I hadn't hidden my belly behind my kids, like we pregnant ladies sometimes try to do. . . some of you know what I'm talking about.  =) 

Hard to believe I was carrying twins.  

 Emma's name is "Emma Grace."  Emma means "whole, complete" and Grace means "God's love."
And one day because of Temples and because of God's love, our family can be complete, whole.

You can learn more about Latter-day Saint Temples here.

Something I Regret

It's been over two months since everything happened, and I'm not done writing my story, but I had something I wanted to share.  This morning I woke up and decided to check out "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep"  it's a non-profit organization that takes memorial photos of your baby.

Our sweet nurse had asked me if I wanted to have them come. At the time I told her I did not. I'm really not sure why, except that I didn't fully understand what they do.  

I wish I had said yes, but I didn't know how  much it would cost, so I said no.  I found out this morning it would have been free.....  I wish I had had them come take pictures, but I didn't and now I can't undo that.

However, we had the sweetest nurse that did take pictures of the baby we lost.  She took pictures of her hands and feet and even dressed her in a tiny baby gown and itty bitty hat.  I have those picture and I cherish them. I have the hat and the gown, too. I can't even express how much they mean to me.

I wish I had had "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" come photograph our baby, but I am so thankful that our nurse took some very special pictures for us.  I will forever cherish those.  

My advice is TAKE PICTURES if you find yourself in this situation. And if you have a friend in this situation, gently encourage them to get photos, they won't regret it, but they will regret NOT doing it. Whether you do it, or your nurse or an organization like "NILMDTS" take pictures!  You don't have to look at them all the time, and I don't.  It's hard to look at them, but i'm glad I have them to remember our other little daughter.

I guess it isn't uncommon for people to be afraid they will forget the person they lost.  I can relate to this, having pictures and a few mementos help.

A very thoughtful Aunt sent me a beautiful bracelet with the baby's name engraved on the back.  The top says "forever" - this is one of those nice mementos. It does make me feel better to turn it over and see the baby's name.

Our nurse also made some hand prints and foot prints of the baby and for Mother's Day my husband gave me this:

I LOVE IT!

The smallest little hand is Ella's - our sweet little angel. One of the things her name means is "beautiful fairy"  I think that is appropriate.

It's a girl

The team from the Infant Intensive Care is pressuring me to give them the baby so they can take her to intensive care.  I really wish I would have started nursing her right then to delay her departure, but I'm so confused and overwhelmed it's hard to articulate much less figure out what I want right then.

What I really wanted was for everyone to slow down and give us some privacy.  What I really wanted was for a moment alone with Ryan and both babies.  What I really wanted was the chance to hold both babies at the same time. What I really wanted was an explanation, but no one offered one. What I really wanted was for someone, no LOTS of someones to tell me that this was not my fault. No one said it was my fault, but no one really said it wasn't either.

But the Intensive Care team won't wait.  I very reluctantly hand them our first baby and make Ryan go with them.  I don't want her out of his sight.

The room clears and I'm left alone with a nurse and my midwife.  The nurse brings over the second baby and although she was rather brusque before the delivery, when I didn't want any pitocin, etc., now she is more humane.  She brings the second baby to me, the one that didn't make it.  This baby is much smaller.

"I think this baby was about 22 weeks, based on the baby's weight and length.  At first I thought this baby was a boy, but when I looked closer, it was evident it was a girl."

Wow.  Two babies.  Two girls.  One here and one, not.  We thought we were having a boy.  This was my hardest pregnancy, but it was similar to my pregnancy with my boy, so logically we thought we were having a boy.

And then, I realize everything makes sense. . .

The Birthday part two

Around 3p.m. I still hadn't started having contractions and the hospital staff was wanting to start me on poticin. At the suggestion of my midwife, I start using a breast pump to produce oxytocin - to stimulate contractions, I really want to have this baby with minimal interventions.

But I wasn't really ready.  I wasn't sick of being pregnant yet.  I hadn't gotten so uncomfortable that I would rather go through labor than continue being pregnant and for so many reasons, I was scared.

Thankfully, the breast pump works and in less than two hours I'm having hard contractions, one on top of the other.  I'm so glad I didn't need extra meds. to get things going.

Things are happening fast and the baby is coming, the Doctor isn't there yet, but I wasn't going to wait, so another OB steps in to catch the baby. The baby comes out crying. It's a girl!  I am thrilled.  I had secretly hoped for a girl from the beginning.  I am so happy. In spite of the circumstances, everything is perfect. I start telling everyone in the delivery I had hoped for a girl. I feel so relieved, baby is here, crying. She's doing incredibly well for being so early. I'm happy I could deliver with minimal interventions.  Happy the baby's head was down. Happy to have avoided a c-section. Happy my midwife was there coaching me the whole time.  Happy someone was watching my other kids.  Happy my parents were getting ready to come and Happy my husband was by side.  I.could.not.be.happier!

But we weren't finished yet.  I just needed to deliver the placenta and then we would be done. This is the easy part, I thought to myself,  feeling more relaxed than I had in weeks.

Our doctor gets there to deliver the placenta. He's already in a bit of a mood, I find out later he really HATES to miss a delivery. I don't blame him.  He doesn't get paid if he doesn't catch the baby. Placenta is delivered and a nurse starts to clean it up to dispose of it and I say, "Leave that there, I want to look at it."  She apologizes. I like to see what the placenta and cord look like.

But, something was wrong.  The doctor doesn't react favorably, we're looking at the placenta and he reaches on top and tears open a little sac. I don't know what it is at first.  The Doctor doesn't say anything but he is really somber. I'm still confused but I start to put the pieces together.  I've never seen anything like this.

"Is that another baby?" I say. 

He doesn't respond and all the people who are waiting to clean up the messes and take the baby to Intensive Care grow quiet.  Time stands still.  We're all in shock.

It is another baby, but this baby didn't make it.  This baby was hidden, we had no idea we were carrying twins. 

I say something like, "It's OK, we didn't know."  Those words haunt me now.

They are trying to whisk the first baby off, and Ryan and I need time to process everything.  

The baby is all cleaned up and they hand her to me for a quick hold before they rush her off to the NICU.  

Someone takes this picture: 

It's not like any of the other pictures we've taken with our previous babies.

We went from such joy, and relief to complete shock, and confusion - within about 30 seconds.

The Birthday part one

It's early in the morning, about 6:00 a.m. I'm 34 and 1/2 weeks pregnant and barely awake.  I'm exhausted from the day before (see The Flood) but feeling better than I did through most of my pregnancy.  Planning on going for a walk this morning, but that's not going to happen.

I wake up fully about 6:20a.m. My water broke.  I'm freaked out!  This is really early. I wake up Ryan and he calls our midwife.  I'm sick to  my stomach, not just because the baby is going to come early, but because the baby has been breech!  It still makes me a little sick when I think of that morning.  

I've been doing exercises to try to get the baby to flip and go head down without any changes yet. My midwife comes to our home and we transfer my care to a Doctor at the hospital. No home birth now.  We're too early and we have an upside down baby.  So stressed!

Ryan makes a few calls and drops our kids off at a friend's house and we head to the hospital.

We check in and have an ultrasound to check the baby's position.  I tell them we don't know what we are having and don't want to know till the baby comes out, so PLEASE don't spoil the surprise.  (We thought it was a boy.) Ultrasound tells us baby is. . . HEAD DOWN!  I ask if they can see the placenta, if it's in a good place, they said it looked fine. I'm trying to rule out a c-section. Maybe my water broke when the baby flipped, we don't know, but we are so relieved! The likelihood for a c-section practically eliminated, I'm just so elated. Not many doctors are comfortable delivering breech babies these days, this is big news!

I finally have a minute to call my mom.  She wants to know if it's a boy or a girl, I told her I still didn't know.  She's going to pack like crazy and come out with my dad, 6 weeks earlier than they had anticipated.  She asks me to call when the baby comes to tell her if we had a boy or girl.

Relieved about baby's position, but now a new stress surfaces, no amniotic fluid means we want the baby to come within the next 18-24 hours.  I'm not in labor, so no pressure, right?  Wrong.  How am I going to do this?  I want to avoid any unnecessary meds if I can, including pitocin and epidurals.

I start walking around the hospital with my husband and my midwife.  Walking can help jump start your labor - but I couldn't feel any change.  Still stressed, but my midwife, who was now acting as a doula, had a few tricks up her sleeve.....